Recruitment
by Sphinxey
Summary: Gwen is taking her new role seriously, but things rarely work out as expected. Crack. Slight spoilers for first episode of Children of Earth if you squint.


A/N: After the first episode of Children of Earth I couldn't resist writing something. Slightly cracky, very vague spoilers.

Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood, although the candidates are mine (not that I did much with them).

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"Jack, we can't keep the current system. Even you have to admit it's too iffy, and with 2 places to fill we need a more reliable method."

"So what do you suggest?" asked Jack, amused. "It's not like your method worked any better. I don't relish the idea of being blown up again, thank you very much."

Gwen sighed. "Well obviously not that, even I admit that it didn't work. But maybe something a little more proactive?"

Jack sighed. "Fine. But don't come running to me when it all goes wrong."

The next day a job advert appeared in the local paper.

_**Wanted:**_** Energetic youngster to join experienced team based in Cardiff Bay. Must be fit and able to run fast. ICT experience preferred but training available. Medical qualification preferred. Must be open minded, preferably bisexual, imaginative and able to seize the initiative.**

_**Salary:**_** Whatever the Queen pays us.**

**If interested please contact Torchwood, Cardiff Bay**

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_3 Weeks Later_

Jack looked out of his office window in amusement, snorting at the general chaos below him. To be fair, it seemed to be working, but until it finished there was no way of telling if it would be a successful method.

He turned at a slight sound behind him to find Ianto stood there, also watching the preceedings in amusement.

"Well?" inquired Jack, curious.

He didn't get an immediate answer. Instead Ianto moved to stand next to him, watching the activity for a moment.

"Weeeeell..." he said finally, "we've lost the Chinese hacker, he got himself trapped in the military security system and we had to dig him out and apologise to the SAS, so he's off being retconned. The RAF guy got into a battle of wills with Myfanwy, last we saw of him he was being flown up to her nest, so I think we can assume he's a no go. And before you ask, I am NOT going up there when she's in this mood. The short guy couldn't reach half the equipment so he was sent home, two failed the fitness test and are currently trying to relearn how to breathe, retcon is to follow, and one broke a leg during the 'vault over a ticket barrier then duck under a closing security door' obstacle. The Scottish woman insulted my accent, so she's out. One of the other women, the blond one, fainted when she met Janet, the brunette doesn't drink coffee so is on probation, and the guy with the afro has such bad grammar I refuse to work with him because I would have to rewrite all his reports, not to mention he can't spell Torchwood, he wrote T O R T C H W U D on his application form. Oh, and the Asian guy with the glasses has been scratched after he abandoned the case he was working on when he was told to. The others seem ok though, in fact I think we're almost ready to start the weapons test, ala Jack."

Jack stared. "I'm sorry?"

"You know, get touchy feely with them and see if they crack. We got the idea from Gwen's 'lesson', figured it was the easiest way to test 3 things at once, aim, how easily they get distracted and how open they are to sex."

Jack snorted. "I see. Well let me know the result, I'll pop down and meet the final candidates."

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It was about 3 hours later that the noise from downstairs finally quietened down and Jack dared poke his head out of the door to find Gwen stood almost directly underneath with a young man and a middle aged woman.

She looked up as he closed the door. "Ah, Jack, glad you're here. Let me introduce our new colleagues, David and Michelle. You might know David from the recent World of Warcraft tournament in Cardiff, he won first prize, and he's been imprisoned twice for hacking into the governmental network. Michelle here has her Guides First Aid badge and a top up class in sprains and breaks, and she did some part time work in the children's hospital last year."

Jack suppressed a sigh and shook their hands. It was going to be a long few weeks.

As Ianto later commented, 'It's not that they were the best, it was purely that they were the only ones to survive the day.'

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A week later they had two places to fill.


End file.
